Been questioning myself on the reasons, besides money and accountability to my parents, for taking up my present job.
Perhaps, it was the boredom of doing nothing-particularly-interesting that made me desire work ASAP. However, looking deeper, I think it must have been ego at play.
Society valuates a person’s worth according to the quantity/quality of economic contribution. In other words, I’d probably been an economic liability for the last few months, despite my personal satisfaction from learning a new language.
It never helped whenever I bumped into people that I’d not seen for months.
They’d go: “So, what have you been up to of late? Graduated? Already working?”
And I’d be: “Yeah” to the first, “no” to the second.”
Then they’d go: “Cannot find job ah”
And I’d be like, “well…not exactly… Haven’t really been out searching. Learning Japanese right now….”
Then they’d look and me and go: “[short pause]… I see…”
Maybe it was sensitivity on my own part; perhaps the mildly-disapproving looks that I thought I was receiving, derived, in actuality from my own imagination. At times, I couldn’t help feeling weak and incapacitated, torn between doing what I wanted and what society expected me to. Not many people know this, but during the period of November-December, I must have been suffering from a bout of depression: I would be sitting down at home reading a book when I’d experience a wave helplessness suddenly overwhelming and choking me.
