Been questioning myself on the reasons, besides money and accountability to my parents, for taking up my present job.

Perhaps, it was the boredom of doing nothing-particularly-interesting that made me desire work ASAP. However, looking deeper, I think it must have been ego at play.

Society valuates a person’s worth according to the quantity/quality of economic contribution. In other words, I’d probably been an economic liability for the last few months, despite my personal satisfaction from learning a new language.

It never helped whenever I bumped into people that I’d not seen for months.

They’d go: “So, what have you been up to of late? Graduated? Already working?”
And I’d be: “Yeah” to the first, “no” to the second.”
Then they’d go: “Cannot find job ah”
And I’d be like, “well…not exactly… Haven’t really been out searching. Learning Japanese right now….”
Then they’d look and me and go: “[short pause]… I see…”

Maybe it was sensitivity on my own part; perhaps the mildly-disapproving looks that I thought I was receiving, derived, in actuality from my own imagination. At times, I couldn’t help feeling weak and incapacitated, torn between doing what I wanted and what society expected me to. Not many people know this, but during the period of November-December, I must have been suffering from a bout of depression: I would be sitting down at home reading a book when I’d experience a wave helplessness suddenly overwhelming and choking me.

I can’t remember exactly how this depression thing was resolved. Perhaps it was the short trip to KL/Malacca after my JLPTs, that took my mind off things for while. But come December, I had this near-desperate urge to work. It was as if my mind was telling me, “come, don’t wallow in self-pity and misery any longer. A job is the antidote to the poison you’ve been feeding yourself with.”

So I did. I got an interview to the first application that I applied for, which was a civil servant position. I had completed the psychometric test that was required of me, and was scheduled for an interview the week following that test. But fate (perhaps?) would have it that I was offered another job a couple of days before that interview. I accepted it after mulling over for a few days, and never made it to the interview to the civil servant postion. Some of my friends described my decision as hasty. After all, the position in the civil service was a permanent one, whereas the job I accepted was a contract-based one.

I suppose they were right in some ways. However, they could have possibly felt the way I did. Firstly, a confirmed job, in spite of its lack of permanence, felt more attractive than an unconfirmed position regardless of the stability it promised. I could finally feel accountable to the expections of my family and in synch with society. Secondly, the bohemian spirit in me screamed, “I don’t want to feel tied down!!!”

In my previous blog entry, I posted a horoscope reading of myself. The paragraph that really stuck with me was the first, particularly the line that went “Your actions are strongly governed by impulse, and you cannot endure restrictions on your freedom.” That is so true of me. I really am a fickle person. A thing that would have appeared so attractive to me a couple of hours ago could feel entirely wrong in the present. I want to be free yet I yearn stability. I want to be independent and see the world yet I love my family and friends too much to leave them. Perhaps this was the reason for my depression a couple of months back: this torment of knowing, yet not knowing what I desire in life. It is also the source of my feeling of restlessness.

I cannot say that I am satisfied with my present job. But least for the past month, it has provided me with some illusion of stability that I need, and yet, being a 9-6, the flexibility and freedom to pursue my other interests.

Ashtanga Yoga

Since November, I’d put my weekly Ashtanga yoga practices at the yoga center on hold, firstly because of financial issues, secondly because of the feeling of uncertainty that was building up within me at that time. Soon after, even my semi-regular home practices went on hiatus. Last week however, the desire for Yoga was re-ignited within me. I am at this point unable to pin-point a specific trigger to this desire. Perhaps it’s a spiritual thing, where my subconscious being is seeking for balance and harmony.

Then on Friday, I spoke with my friend (and collegue). I think it might really be a Scorpio thing, but I found out that a number of her passions coincided with mine. I had this wanderlust before I entered university that had somewhat been suppressed over time. Previously, I used to love to wander about Singapore without any specific aim whenever I had free time, but for the last 2 years or so, this love was gradually buried under the mundanities of school. I envied some of my friends who had the luxury of studying in different environments in different continents, yet, I had forgotten that life could be interesting even within limited boundaries. At this point, I would love to be able to travel overseas, but my finances prohibit me to do so. So I decided on the next best alternative. Following my thyroid appointment with my doctor at Mount E. hospital on Friday afternoon, where it was too late to return to work, yet too early to be home, I decided to provide myself with a tempory resolution. The following is a slightly crude illustration my travels.

Wanderlust-Gratification: The Route

Mt. E Hospital ====> Princep Street (looking for famous Bean Curd store that had relocated. Attempt failed) ====> Boundaries between Little India and Bugis ===[through the road by Hotel Rendevous]===> Chimes ===[passing by the stretch of old goverment buildings that had been transformed into museum archives and art galleries]===> Chinatown ===[through People’s Park]===> Riverwalk ===[resting next to the riverside just outside Brewerkz, being tempted by the aroma of freshly brewed beer]===> Clarke Quay (and finally to the Kinokuniya at Liang Court where I had arranged to meet a friend)

I cannot begin to describe how liberating that was for me, despite my blistered and tired feet at the end of the day (I did all that in 2 inch heels). I know that this remedy to this tension that has been building within me is only temporary; my heart longs for a journey more enriching. I wonder if and when that will become a reality.

Subjects: General

Mood: Discoveries & Relevations, Philosophical Musings

Tags: career, hyperthyroid, Japanese, wanderlust, yoga